Celibacy or Nah

I mean is it really worth it? I am in constant hell. I think about it all the time. It goes through my mind at a minimum of 30 times a day.

I’M ABSTAINING…

FROM SEX…

FOR 21 MONTHS AND COUNTING…

I honestly think life would’ve been easier had I stayed a virgin, why?  Would’ve made better choices. My focus would’ve been “on fleek”. I’m certain I would’ve made better choices of men and maybe even been married by now (though that was never a goal of mine up until maybe 3 or 4 years ago). Women find their husbands everyday and aren’t celibate so why the hell have I chosen to do so? Whores get wifed up everyday so why have I chosen to be the damn born-again Virgin Mary? Who am I impressing? What point am I trying to prove? And who the hell am I waiting for? If guys always say that they don’t care if a woman gives it up on the first or fifth date will he even care that I’ve been abstinent? Will “he” appreciate what I’m going through at the moment? Do I expect him to wait for me if I decide to “wait” until marriage? Do I hire a resident whore to satisfy him while I torture myself? What the hell? Honestly, why do I voluntarily torture myself? Exactly what is my point? Initially the point was to keep my mind clear so that I choose the right lifetime mate, so that I am not distracted by lust and swayed from my values by the strong touch of a man. In other words, I have embarked on this LONG trek so that I wouldn’t become DICK-notized, hypnotized by dick. “Love is blind,” and yes it is but good sex is even more blinding and deafening. Now the point of me remaining abstinent is that I don’t want this period of mental anguish and physical distress to be in vain. I’ve thrown myself into a religion-free born again hazing and I want something and purposeful to come out of it. Therefore every time I feel the urge to call up that ex whose penis has a strong magnetic pull towards my Hail Mary I stop myself. Except that one time last year, neither of us got anything from it, nor achieved any resolution from it, it didn’t last long and so… it just “doesn’t count.” (And I dare anyone to say otherwise) So what has celibacy done to me? It has affected me in many ways. Mostly by me being evil. There are days and I mean a stretch of DAYS where I am on a man-hating rampage. And at these moments no man could do any good. Text me good morning, and I have a problem with you waking me. Text me good night and I think that you are trying to lead up to a late night booty call. I postulate they all want my cookies. For Valentine’s Day I Googled ripped out heart and saved the picture. So every person with a penis (with the exception of my lovely family) who texted me Happy Valentine’s Day received a responding text of a person who ripped out their heart and was throwing it in the trash. When longtime male friends tell me that I will soon find “that one” and that I am wife material I get pissed. I don’t want to hear that. Don’t sell me a dream. And where the hell is my ring? Do I even know how to have sex anymore? Do I know how to kiss? How do you cuddle? It has now been two passing cuffing seasons with no cuff. My girlfriends laugh and say the age old “it’s like riding a bike.” Well guess what? I never learned that trade. Where do I go to school for that? And I’m almost 100% positive that I’ll need to visit the nearest Jiffy Lube for an oil change before my first physical encounter with “he who shall be so honored.” I’ve lost my sexy… my imagination. I will say that I come up with many “fun games” to keep things interesting. But no longer. Now I can not think of one thing. One might say it is because I have no inspiration. Dammit, I say that it is because I have starved abstained myself of sex, that my sexual ideations are now temporarily lost. Someday soon I’ll find that person, or rather he’ll find me. Whichever comes first, no big rush. I’ve become sadistic in reveling in my own torment. What to do now? Nothing, sit back and do nothing. Continue to finish my educational goals and to move towards other life goals as well. This is my time to focus on me and making myself happy. Continue to be social, meet people and all the while work on improving myself. After all, that was the point of abstaining from sex.

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