Pouring My Heart Out Into An Empty Cup

My next tattoo will be three hearts. One whole, one broken and one mended. In three small pictures it will quickly tell the story of my life. I start off with a whole heart, it gets broken and I have to go through the process of it being mended (healing process) only to start all over again.

A friend of mine says that I fall hard (in love) all the time. He said that was my “thing” and that it was okay but I just decide to fall for the wrong ones. ALL my male friends say that I go for the wrong guys. My closest two female friends say that they always want a man that is obsessed with them… and I always say I don’t want that because with that comes jealousy and with my personality a jealous man will never work. So now I often wonder if maybe I should choose their approach in picking “the right guy” for me.

I had quite a history with one guy (10 years) of us falling in and out of touch. And I will admit that there were moments I maybe should have put forth more effort in visiting him (since he lived out of state furthering his education) or maybe I shouldn’t have cut him off for a Mr. Asshole, Mr. Unreliable, Mr. Good-On-Paper or Mr. I’m Too Good For My Own Good. I’m sure he’s not Mr. Perfect but he was probably Mr. Pretty Close (or not).

It wasn’t the case that I couldn’t make time for him but at the time other things semed more important and they weren’t really. But as my mind began to finally settle I know that I was ready to start putting time into seeing/dating him. The problem has always been that I was never sure if he felt the same way. Maybe that’s why I always cut him out and pasted someone else in. One date night out I told him that I would love to travel to see him more and he was ok with that. He seemed to be enthused about that idea. But when I returned home, I could count on ONE FINGER how many times I talked to him… he just flaked on me. In my mind if you really want something you would put the work in to get it or keep it. No work was done so when I finally saw/talked to him again (3 months later) of course it was great to see him but I was also hurt. I felt like a yo-yo, being pulled in and left back out. And this was my response, my “final notice” I emailed to him.

Hello. You have been on my mind a lot. But seeing you on Friday while it made me happy also makes me question whatever friendship we do have. At this point in my life I’m tying off loose ends and burning them. Free spirited as I am, I’ve wandered enough and finally reached a place where I know what I want to do and where I want to be. No more gray areas and that includes you.

I’m attracted to you physically and mentally. I love seeing you, love our talks. I feel as though we have a connection, we vibe. I have fun with you and love being in your presence. Yet I don’t know where I stand with you… I need to know.

I need to know because you are taking up space in my mind and heart and if there is no possibility of a future for us then that space can be freed up and we can both move on and end this dance. I can no longer deal with the feeling that I’m only in your mind once in awhile when you return home- assuming of course I’m in there at all. I don’t like the fact that I can disappear out of someone’s mind simply because they operate with an “out of sight, out of mind” attitude.  I deserve more than that.

And if it is the case that someone else has your attention at home, and she is waiting for you to return whenever you leave, then she should keep your attention. I don’t want it. I won’t be a part of the seesaw, I’d rather get off and let someone else play. I’d rather we disconnect whatever bond it is that we hold, I will hear about your success and be happy for you and proud of you from a distance.

I’m ready to start settling down.  I want to be with someone I have a strong connection with, someone who I think I would make a great team/pair with. I want to build with that person. I want to move forward with that person. However if you feel I am not that person for you, so be it, life will continue to move on.

Hopefully this doesn’t read as an ultimatum. I just need to be as upfront as possible. I’d rather talk to you but I’m at work and it’s been bothering me since I saw you and I need to get this out.

Considering he has yet to or probably will not ever visit my blog, I’m certain he doesn’t mind my posting it.

I never did hear from him after this. (It has been slightly edited) And so through non-action I received my answer. (Although not hearing from him is reallyno change from our relationship Pre final notice)

He actually was the last of my purge. I had successfully rid myself of all men who I had allowed to drain me of energy without actually adding anything of SUBSTANCE to my life. Good laughs, good conversation or a fun date night was not enough. They were all good men in their own ways yet none of them wanted to take the necessary steps to further anything with me. There was the guy who despite chasing me for years and many occasions always seemed to want to make me the second string (wackest coach ever). And there was also the guy who I never quite felt secure around. I always felt by his actions that I would be left hanging or wouldn’t be able to rely on him when things got hard.

And though the title of this post implies that this is my sob story (admittedly in the beginning such was my intention) as I continue writing this, I realize that this is actually part of my coming of age story. (Cue “I Am Woman” music)

When I was younger I had a stronger since of self, self value and self worth. Someway along the line with all of my relationships and not-so-relationships I lost that. And this was my story to say that I evolved. No longer am I accepting treatment that is beneath me. I’m a good woman. Not perfect one bit, but a hell of a catch. And if ever a man who is in my presence does not recognize this, or wants to put me on the reserve list, or in the sample jar, he can not and will not participate in the spirit and vivacity of my life.

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