Toothbrush Worthy

toothbrush race

What men don’t know (or maybe they do) is that single women run a marathon race daily. In a marathon various types of runners compete. There’s the everyday casual runner, the competitive distance runner, the runner challenged to a dare, the return to health runner and many more types. The single woman marathon comparably have various types of runners. At the end of the race and on the other side of the finish line isn’t a blue ribbon or some sort of trophy or cup, however THERE IS the best prize ever, the treasured toothbrush. Single women chase for the toothbrush, previously known as the girlfriend status. This moment is when a woman, no longer single can leave a toothbrush at a guy’s house without an awkward feeling and awkward conversation and wondering if that is ok.

Let’s just say you have Beau, a handsome bachelor many women are in pursuit of. For the sake of ease he is the perfect guy. Easy on the eyes, considerate all around a great catch. He is surrounded by three women who are actively seeking a relationship with him. They are in a race for his heart, or rather in a race for a toothbrush.

Woman number one: the woman’s woman. For creative purposes we’ll call her Ms. Petticoat. Now Ms. Petticoat is well versed in Toothbrushology. She is cool, calm and collected on the outside even though a fire of blue flames may be spreading on the inside. You’ll never see her sweat, literally and figuratively. People know Ms. Petticoat is coming because they hear her pumps and bangles and knows that she’s left the room because they can follow her trail of perfume. She always seems to take the “woman’s magazine” approach to reaching toothbrush status. Precision and tactics and feminine guile she uses.

Ms. Petticoat buys house plants to spruce up BEAU’S place. It’s inevitable that breakfast is on the table every morning that she stays over (hint hint and a wink) to hook Beau and she wakes before the rooster crows just to do so. To add thoughtfulness to brilliance she swings by with dinner hot from her oven because she “cooked too much.” Homemade gourmet soup is made for Beau because he is sick. She goes to his league games in support of him. She is just the all around Mrs. Cleaver. Here is where the cunning moves come in. Beau always wonders how the scent of Ms. Petticoat lingers on his pillow for so long. It’s because she purposefully sprays the pillow with her perfume so he can think about her when she’s not there. Hopefully the essence creeps in through his nose and enters his dreams when he sleeps. She strategically leaves panties in the sheets or “tangled” in with his dirty laundry. One of the more calculating moves she makes is being friendly with his neighbors. She could never be too far from his mind because of this move. Guaranteed the elderly neighbor will always see Beau and ask “ohhh, how are you? And how is Ms. Petticoat? Oh she’s such a nice girl.” She not only makes nice with the neighbors but also with the crew. She may bake for them, brings their favorite snacks over when the time comes for a social gathering. She’ll even “forget” her pumps in a corner or under the coffee table in attempt to mark her territory.

Woman number two: the crazy woman. Her name is Ms. Fanatical. She’s not really crazy (in her mind) she is just the number one fan of everything Beau and will stride to the ends of the earth to protect him and everything dealing with him. Most women try to disregard Ms. Fanatical but she always has the upper hand and the women who are not crazy just can not understand why. It’s because she has passion and conviction! If everything else fails she makes Beau feel wanted. No matter what kind of drama she brings, at the end of the day he is wanted.

Ms. Fanatical is the one that pops up whenever her radar randomly goes off. Queen of the pop ups. Pop up just to see if she smells food because she knows Beau can’t cook. She won’t bring any food over in excess because she doesn’t want him feeding her food to a stray woman. And to mark her territory she places a makeup compact in the medicine cabinet. But she always makes sure his belly is full. She’s the one that doesn’t care about making a scene in front of the crew. No relationship is good without a good argument and it displays passion. Ms. Fanatical takes the initiative to send the crew home during the game. Even if the game isn’t over. “Put another chip with dip to your mouth and I’m going off like a siren in here,” she warns the crew. She is relentless in her attention seeking and is more needy than an hour old infant. There are constant threats to his life and when she threatens to poison his food Beau he never knows whether she’s joking or being honest so he just does what she wants. She’s the one that goes to the good ole friends’ barbecue to SEEK OUT any and all of the exes. She wants them to know that she looks better than them and lets them know SHE KNOWS the ex and Beau were together. Later after the cookout and after making a mental rolodex of each friend or family member (male or female) she doesn’t like, she’ll steal his phone and delete them off of any social network… Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr… gone. No hesitation in take it a step further and deleting them from his phonebook AND email addresses. It’s justified in her mind because Beau doesn’t need friends or family…just her. Ms. Fanatical daydreams an entire relationship between Beau and an unknown female pedestrian after the pedestrian speaks cordially to both passersby (Beau and Ms. Fanatical) while on a stroll in the park. Impromptu silent treatment (and lock down treatment along with that) follows. She throws red wine on his shirt on an evening out because she heard flirtation in the waitress’s voice. The justification for that? “I just want to make sure I have all of your attention. When you order food make sure you’re looking me in the eye.” Hey, it makes sense to her.

Woman number three: the homie. The always reliable, girl next door, childhood friend Ms. Platonic. Woe is she. She’s the fun girl.¬† The homeboy with the girl connect. Beau and the crew always look to her to bring fresh new female accompaniment. She’s always invited to the cookouts. She’s in with Beau and his crew. She’s in with the family and they consider her family. Everyone cares for her… yet the ball stops there.

Let’s be honest, the crew will see her as a woman and the family definitely sees her as a woman. Beau sees Ms. Platonic as a woman too but a woman that can hoop and has a nice hookup to watch the games on. Often the two (crew and family) get together in the kitchen during the cookout and watch Beau and Ms. Platonic laugh and joke about the good old days and wonder “Hmm, I wonder why THEY never dated? Maybe we should drop a bug in Beau’s ear.” That bug never reaches Beau’s brain. Mostly it never even reaches his ear, he swats it away. Lets be real the homie is a woman. And every now and again when she comes around dressed in her best he takes a double look and raises an eyebrow. He’ll definitely compliment her but then will make a joke about her not finding a man.

She is always TORTURED by the toothbrush. She suffers the toothbrush, stews over it as it laughs at her. Every time she uses the bathroom, every time she may want to check on hair placement or lip glossiness it is there. But it isn’t just the toothbrush that tortures her it’s any leftover debris. The leftover pumps under the table the subtle makeup compact left in the medicine cabinet. The lasagna in the fridge. Beau didn’t make that. The extent of his culinary expertise stops at chicken and waffles– fried chicken strips and Eggo waffles. She usually doesn’t need to mark her territory as her things are everywhere, her picture is on table posing with family, her hairbands are dispersed on the floor, her bike is kept in his garage. Yet, it means nothing.

Now the Ms. Petticoat and Ms. Fanatical envy Ms. Platonic because they want that same closeness and time with Beau that she gets. They want that most deep, intimate and private thought and the history that she shares with Beau. On the other hand all Ms. Platonic wants is HER toothbrush in the holder. Like a R&B chick she wants the successful crossover into the Pop genre. She’s the one that recognizes a leftover toothbrush and trashes it…and then trashes the trash. Having made the toilet bowl spotless, she’s the reason another woman may feel like she just swallowed a nice glass of warm piss after brushing her teeth. The homie will place Ms. Petticoat’s pumps by the door… so she will not forget them ON HER WAY OUT… where she belongs.

Ms. Petticoat and Ms. Platonic are enemies at first sight. Ms. Petticoat despises Ms. Platonic and yet kills her with kindness. After all, keep your friends close but your enemies closer. She latches on to make “besties” with Ms. Platonic. She tries to set other available men up in the her life. Ms. Petticoat purposefully and slyly reminds her that she is one of the fellas– “just a comrade” to knock Ms. Platonic in her place. She makes it a point to limit her bro time with Beau. The bestie move is the incognito killer move. Some women miss this move and just want to outwardly attack Ms. Platonic. Ms. Petticoat will not do this but Ms. Fanatical will.

Ms. Fanatical doesn’t appreciate the closeness of their relationship. She’s too territorial to let it slide off her back. She hip checks and rolls eyes at Ms. Platonic every second she gets to which Ms. Platonic just laughs off. “Do you need a cup of ice? You seem a little steamy under those tracks of yours,” Ms. Platonic torts. Now Ms. Fanatical gets under Ms. Platonic’s skin and Ms. Platonic gets under Ms. Petticoat’s skin however between Ms. Petticoat and Ms. Fanatical it is an all out war. They are both territorial and oddly enough are very alike. The difference is that whatever crazy actions Ms. Petticoat seems to think Ms. Fanatical actually does. Whether it’s an accidental spillage on her white dress at the cookout or bringing up relationships past that should be hush-hush Ms. Fanatical one-ups her at every corner. Seriously it’s a game of rock, paper, scissors. Where one can get under the skin of another the other gets under her skin.

Now some women may run the marathon looking for the toothbrush. I guarantee you it’s the really intelligent and bold one, the Ms. Nuptials who views that as a half marathon and wants to skip that and keep running the full marathon looking for the engagement ring. In this case the ring is at the finish line. So who is toothbrush worthy and who is ring worthy?

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