Hello. I am a young woman and I am 27 with no children. Please allow me to answer the questions I know you have for me. Yes I am a young black woman. While I may look slightly younger than my age (It’s the melanin– BLACK DON’T CRACK), I am approaching 30. I am basically on the steps of porch that lead to the 30 and over front door. And yes I do live in Baltimore, Charm City (Go RAVENS), what I like to call a baby-making city. No, I am definitely not pregnant. NO I do not have any children. No I am not gay. And before you ask, nothing is wrong with me, I am not crazy. I do have all my marbles, the elevator goes all the way upstairs and I am not cuckoo.
BUT, every since I approached 25, maybe once I turned 23 people have just assumed and expected me to have an egg carton full of children. “Awwwww” they say in pity. “Your day will come.” Excuse me? I didn’t think I was waiting for the bus destined to “Baby Land,” and I am definitely not waiting in despair. I’m not sad. Please do not pity me. Family members, younger and older, friends have had children or gotten married and have had children and I’ve done neither. I can not say that I envy them nor do I pity them. I just haven’t reached that time yet. (shrug) It’s not for me yet. Call me a late bloomer. Do not tell me that I “still have time” because I am aware of that, in fact I’ve never doubted that. My aunt has asked me when I will make her sister, my mom, a Gi-Gi (grandmother). Another cousin charged me with not carrying on the family DNA (I say that she alone has had enough children to do so— doesn’t need my help). An old friend after detailing the names and ages of his children asked me where MY kids were. I stood back and glared into his eyes with that “no the fuck he didn’t look” and I shot back “in my ovaries!”
My only issue (as I choose to call it) is that I am not married, I don’t have a fiancé, I don’t even have a boyfriend. And right now no prospects for either. Obviously, I do know that one does not necessarily HAVE to be married to have a baby, but I WANT to be. And who wouldn’t want to? I’ve seen the bullshit my mom had to go through to raise my brother and I as a single mom, and while I stand and applaud her for a job well done— that shit is NOT hot, it’s arctic cold its damn “The Day After Tomorrow” freezing! Who could peek into a single woman’s house and aspire to be live that life? Not m. Maybe if I had a couple million stashed away in my purse— but nahhhh I don’t. My desire for a baby is not so strong that I am willing to deny it a mother and father growing up to satisfy my whims…or whatever. Is it so archaic to want to wait until I finish school (however long that takes) and find a man who I know will stand with me through good and bad? In addition to this, I don’t want to be a statistic. Among black families, the households with a single mom have the highest poverty rate. This is real… it’s not a joke and I really don’t want to be a part of this.
It just seems easier with two. I’m not saying there would be no hardships, but two people dealing with a hardship is damn sure easier than one person dealing with it. And at least there’d be someone there to give a sexual relief after dealing with all the bullshit. No wonder people in a relationship live longer.
So of course I do want to get married. I never really grew up dreaming about the perfect wedding. I never pined over the perfect husband, I never even wanted Ken and Barbie to get married (they were only ever best friends which is another blog all in itself). When I was younger I never even wanted children. I could wait until hell froze over before I would want to feel the sensation of pushing a football out of my crotch. I loved children, I still do, but I thought that I should adopt. I never even imagined a future with a man until I began working in the health field at the age of 22. I then realized the purpose of an “ever after” relationship. To see someone going through a difficult time with their spouse looking after them, supporting them, loving them, all the while taking care of business at home…it’s endearing and it’s something to work towards. And now I feel totally different. I want a family. I want a husband (still haven’t dreamt of the perfect wedding however) and children (I’m not-so-secretly still afraid to push out a bowling ball) and all the ups and downs that come with having that. I just don’t want to skip a step, I don’t want a child to come in too soon.
I just don’t appreciate that “her eggs are rotting” look or that “she’s running out of time” shake of the head. Actually what you could do is find a guy worth marrying and worth having children with. My babies will come when they come. Don’t rush me because I’m not budging. Husband and wife followed by children– that’s the road I’d like to take. Once this happens, I’ll have my bundle of joys and I’m sure they’ll be worth the delay.